I've got a little list

My good birding mate, M, is a lister. Every month he starts afresh to record the number of bird species he can see in that month, competing against his previous best. Over the last couple of years, we have a sort of unspoken pact that he will come up from Ringwood every month or so to spend the first days of that month with me so we can get his monthly tally off to a good start. This year, we have started his July off with a 106 species in two days; he needs another 20 or so species to beat his previous July best. Mad, or what? Well, mad maybe, but I thoroughly enjoyed the hunt, even though I am not myself a lister (I am too idle and too forgetful to be a lister).
In the course of trying to reach the ton on Saturday, we started off at Titchwell just after dawn and ended up on Haddenham Fen until sunset. Every bird counts: Dunnock, Rook, House Sparrow and so on through the list of everydays until you get to the more exciting: Honey Buzzard, Hobby, Wood and Green Sandpipers, Greenshank, Spoonbill (the alabaster replica that they put up in Titchwell from time to time), Little Gull and so on. With 98 registered, we ended up on Haddenham Fen and in a glorious half hour, added Corn Bunting, Yellow Wagtail, Little Owl (3 of them!) and Grey Partridge. 102, and we still hadn't had such obvious species as Green Woodpecker or Longtailed Tit!
What is the value of this kind of activity? Listen, my beloveds, I have several quite exhausting but fulfilling conservation projects to fill my days, but I don't begrudge a second of the time I join M in his hunt for another record, another best. Apart from anything else, it reminds me of what we are trying to conserve.
In between all this, we had two moth trapping sessions and processed over 800 moths of 80 or so species, including seven different Hawkmoths and a Red Data Book species, Grey Carpet.
So now, if you will excuse me, I am going to sleep for three days without interruption.

Grandpa, why do you like putting names to the birds and butterflies and flowers you see?
So they won't get lost, dear.
Grandpa, I love you, but I think you are terminally weird.
Thank you, dear, but I'd rather you didn't use the word "terminally".
Eat your denture-friendly porridge oats, Grandpa.

Liffery PQR

offord cluny
A refusal to fight a duel on any day ending in –y.

orwell
A sensible alternative to the response "No way!" when requested by an armed thug to hand over your wallet.

outwell
The blessed denouement of an upwell (qv), usually accompanied by lies and insincere flattery.

over, n.
[1] What awks do (Listen, I’m just the lexicographer).

[2] Male triplets (etym very very dub)

owerstow
A bra or an athletic support that contains more than it was designed to accommodate.

oxlode, adj
Completely lode (qv), a feeling of despair on having a win on the pools, when, after twenty-five years of nothing, you finally get a cheque for £0.75.

padney
[1] A test of a man's chivalry, occasioned by the discovery of bourn (qv) in a bra during a session of heavy petting.
[2] A bulging groin, the result a rolled-up sock or elephantiasis. In any case, as unattractive in its way as a nene valley (qv).

Parker's Piece
The very last piece, the missing one, the one that prevents you from completing a jigsaw puzzle. The eponymous Parker was a college porter sacked for swallowing keys.

pedwardine
A curious and smug back-and-forth rocking movement on the balls of the feet adopted by police officers, carpark attendants and the like when they know they have got you "bang to rights". It is accompanied by such gnomic utterances as "Is this your little pride and joy?" or "You can't leave it there, pal."

pidley adj
Descriptive of a condition which does not take kindly to giggling, sneezing, running or jumping up and down. Fun to watch.

pingles lane
Any pathway in a park or wood where boys go in the hope of encounters of the first, second, third, fourth and fifth kind. Well, any kind of encounter really, as long as it results in a nice pingle.

pondersbridge
An instrument much used in school physics laboratories to demonstrate the impossibility of teaching science to children.

potton
[1] (obsolete)
Refusal to serve a person a drink in a hostelry on such grounds as lack of years or money. Shakespeare's "Is this a lager I see before me?" was met with an immediate potton.
[2]
A nocturnal creature of the suburbs that leaves a perfectly-formed Richard the Third on the back doorstep every night. The animal itself has never been seen.

prickwillow
An incompetent batsman.

pymoor
The snack you made and ate at 11 30 pm and which you bitterly regret two hours later.

quadring
Trying to look nonchalant while walking through an Oxbridge college. Even more poignant if you were "up" forty years ago and now no bugger knows who you are.

quanea
A very low score on the manea scale (qv), characterised by goo on plate, fingers and chin. If you score three quaneas in a row, switch to kedgeree.

quy
Any unexplained landscape feature in a model railway layout, eg, a llama, or the bridge over it that leads nowhere.

Swifts in a (Church) Tower

Betjeman's Guide to Parish Churches is a beautiful book, but it's a pity he wasn't a member of Action for Swifts, or he would have realised that parish churches are, in essence, nothing more than gigantic nestboxes (I said that recently to a vicar, who paused for a moment and then said "You know, I think that's a really profound remark". I don't understand vicars).
To keep nasty things out of the belfry, either wire mesh or hardboard is put up behind the louvres. What we have done is to replace sections of the wiremesh or hardboard in part with a form of nestbox (as illlustrated above) which provides up to eight nest cavities on each louvre window. So, accommodation for swifts, without compromising the belfry (One parisioner asked me, in all seriousness, if the swifts would damage the bells. We have a long way to go).
So far we have erected boxes in St Marys Ely, Holy Trinity Haddenham, and in the parish churches in Landbeach and Chippenham. We are negotiating to put up more boxes in other parishes in the area and further afield in Wiltshire and Oxfordshire.
What we don't know is if these louvre nestboxes will work. We had good occupancy in St Marys Ely, but that is probably because there was already an existing colony that would have been lost when the tower was restored if we hadn't provided alternative accommodation.
So far, despite the use of a CD lure and fervent prayer, we have not yet had success in the other churches. But we all know how unpredictable swifts can be.
For further information, visit Action for Swifts.

Nature Walk

When I was a lil ole boy, we spent every spare moment romping through fields, wading across streams, falling out of trees and into ponds and generally putting our lives at risk. Amazingly, almost all of us survived, and, in the process, learned a lot about the natural world around us, from the miracle of birds’ nests and frogspawn to the best saplings for making bows and arrows (If you want to see the places of my boyhood, sorry, they are all buried now under a monstrous wen called Telford).
Now that I am a old lil ole boy, my nature rambles are much more sedate and circumspect, but I had a chance recently to relive the excitements of my childhood. Vicariously. Thanks to a teacher from a local primary school called Amy Bell, who organised for three parties of her 7-9 year old pupils to come to our local meadows to see conservation in action. Amy was supported by her fellow teacher, Sarah, by some parents (who brought the children to the site in their cars) and by some members of the local conservation society. Despite the heat and some sneezing, the children had a wonderful time: watching wildlife in the ponds, finding (but not picking) wildflowers, listening to explanations of “jack go to bed at noon” , pennycress, hawksbeard and why kissing gates are called kissing gates, and admiring and sketching whatever took their fancy – leaves, grasses, sheep, swans on Guppy’s Pond.
What’s this called? Why this? How does that work? Where? How many? How big? Does it bite? Is it poisonous? (This last question asked about my darling Emperor Moth larvae, bright as a planet and big now as dinosaurs). Such frabjous enthusiasm! Such curiosity! Such a desire to know, to understand! A small piece of the National Curriculum brought gloriously to life. Other primary schools in the area have now expressed interest in bringing their pupils to the Meadows.
Oh yes, and nobody died. Amy did a risk assessment beforehand as the law now requires, a few warnings were issued, teachers and parents were vigilant (but not bossy or intrusive), the children went moreorless where they wanted to and did moreorless what they wanted to. And nobody died. Amazing! Just like when I was a lil ole boy! Good on you, Amy and Sarah and the enlightened Head of your school who gave his blessing to this blessed outing.
Do you ever walk across your lawn first thing in the morning and wonder about the droppings that weren’t there the evening before? Probably hedgehog. Anyway, there are some broad distinctions to be made to start with: carnivores’ dropping tend to be elongated and dark and slithery when wet (eg fox), herbivores’ round and pale and fibrous (eg rabbit). Even bird droppings can tell a tale. While I appreciate that poo may not be a suitable topic for afternoon tea at the vicarage, I think “reading the signs” in nature is very rewarding. For example, can you distinguish between a fox’s earth and a badger sett by the shape of the entrance hole? Can you separate the pellets of little owl, barn owl and kestrel? Easy, once you know how. It’s fun, and I bet those boys and girls from Amy’s primary school would lap up this kind of knowledge in no time. Just like those Indian trackers in Westerns who could read a universe in a broken twig. Just like I could when I was a lil ole boy.

Emneth - more excursions into liffery

Maid's Causeway
A thoroughfare in Cambridge, immortalised by a young woman who, when asked if she was a virgin, replied "Not yet."


march adj
[1]A word coined by schoolboys to describe the way liquid substances seep osmotically, as on a plate bearing mashed potatoes and pickled beetroot.

[2] The scum that forms on the surface of a cup of tea even if you have filtered the tap water. If you can skim off and collect a sufficient quantity of march, send it to Anglian Water for a refund.

manea (pron. 'may-nee)
A measurement of the force required to take the top off a boiled egg without causing the yolk to run down the side of the eggcup.

Matlaske
An Estonian refugee, founder and only resident of an East Anglian village bearing his name, wherever it is.

maxey, adj
(obs slang, ca 1910) Bold, courageous, carefree and gay. By 1919, the word had died out along with the young men it was coined to describe.

meldreth
A really embarrassing spoonerism, as when you stand outside a closed post office with a clutch of letters in your hand and fluff the words "Oh dear, I missed the post."

melton constable
Usually shortened to melton. A melton is the sort of police officer who harasses decent respectable citizens (like you and me) for having outdated vehicle licences, parking wherever we find a decent space,etc. Why can't meltons go and harass real criminals?

mepal (pron `meepul)
The sudden transition from hate to remorse occasioned by the killing of a mouse in your bedroom.

mickley green
[1] An attempt to reduce the revolting nature of wiggens green (qv) by tossing them in butter and lime juice.

[2] Mouthwash that makes no difference.

middle muckle
The half-finished state in which most fixers remain for years once the enthusiasm, energy and money run out

mildenhall
An unidentifiable, mildy embarrassing stain on the carpet right by the front door. By dabbing a mildenhall with a damp cloth soaked in bleach, you can turn a mildenhall into an identifiable and grotesquely embarrassing stain.

milkinghill bridge
Overpriced dentistry.

milton
Poetry that kills 99% of all known germs.

mingay
The inexpressible humiliation of being rejected by a member of one's own sex.

much wittering
A noise heard at supermarket checkouts coming from the people behind a customer who insists on packing every last one of his or her purchases before paying.

murrow
The blue-green mould that Alexander Fleming noticed growing on a culture in 1928, and which led directly to the invention of gorgonzola cheese.

needingworth
A ploy employed by males to win sympathy by appealing to a woman's maternal instinct. Still used, but ineffective since 1975.

nene valley
An unappealing goose-like cleavage, but at least more honest than a silicon valley.

Norman Cross
The man who invented cat's eyes after seeing a cat walking towards him at night along a dark road. He reported later that if the cat had been walking away from him, he might have invented the pencil sharpener.

Toiling udder warts

Ladle Rat Rotten Hut
(Hairs annulled furry starry, toiling udder warts, warts welcher attar girdle deferent firmer once inner regional virgin)

Wants pawn term, dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honour itch offer lodge florist. Disk ladle gull orphan worry ladle clock wetter putty ladle rat hut, and fur disk raisin pimple colder "ladle rat rotten hut".
Wan moaning, rat rotten hut's murder colder inset: "Ladle rat rotten hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter and shirker cockles. Tick disk ladle basking tudor cordage offer groin murder hoe lifts honour udder site offer florist. Shaker lake! Dun stopper laundry wrote, end yonder nor sorghum stenches stopper torque wet strainers".
"Hoe cake, murder," resplendent ladle rat rotten hut, and tickle ladle basking and stuttered oft. Honour weigh tudor cordage offer groin murder, ladle rat rotten hut mitten anomalous woof.
"Wail, wail, wail," setter wicket woof, "Evanescent ladle rat rotten hut! Wares or putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?"
"Armour goring tumour groin murders," reprisal ladle gull. "Grammars seeking bet. Armour ticking arson burden barter end shirkle cockles."
"O hoe! Heifer blessing woke!" setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf: Oil tickle shirt court tudor cordage offer groin murder. Oil ketchup wetter letter, end den - o bore!
Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court, end whinny retched a cordage offer groin murder, picket inner widow, any sore debtor pore oil worming worse lion inner bet. Inner flesh, disk abdominal woof lipped honour betting adder rope. Zany pool dawn groin murders nut cup end gnat gun annie curdle dope inner bet.
Inner ladle wild, ladle rat rotten hut a raft attar cordage offer groin murder and ranker dough ball.
"Comb ink, sweat hard," setter wicked woof, disgracing is verse.
Ladle rat rotten hut entity bet rum end stud buyer groin murders bet.
"O grammar," crater ladle gull, "Ware bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice!"
"Buttered lucky chew whiff, doling," whiskered disk ratchet woof.
"O grammar," crater ladle gull, "Water bag nose! A nervous sore suture anomalous prognosis!"
"Buttered smell your whiff," inserter woof, ants mouse worse waddling.
"O grammar, water bag mousey gut! A nervous sore suture bag mouse!"
Daze worry on forger nut gulls lest warts. Oil offer sodden, throne offer carvers, an sprinkling offer bet, disk curl end bloat-Thursday woof ceased pore ladle rat rotten hut end garbled erupt.

Mural: Yonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet strainers.

More Sophisms

Tummy
Mommy, why does that lady have such a big tummy?
Shh, she's pregnant, dear.1
What's pregnant?
She is growing a baby in her tummy.
Oh. I guess Grandpa's pregnant too.
Eat your macrobiotic clover-fed icecream, dear.

Noah's Ark
Mommy, was Grandpa in Noah's Ark?
No dear, I'm sure he wasn't.
How come he didn't drown then?
Nibble on your organic compost lettuce leaf, dear.

Muscovy Duck
Mummy, what's a Muscovy Duck?
It's a duck from Muscovy, dear.
Where's Muscovy, mummy?
It's a country near Tesco's, dear.
Do they speak English?
No, dear. Ducks just go "quack."
Wow, mummy. You know EVERYTHING!
Drink your live-bacteria desalinated yogurt, dear.

Pome
Mother, I have written a pome just for you.
A what, dear?
A POME. Please listen to what I say!
Oh, a poem. That's nice, dear. Read it to me.
"I wander'd lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills when all at once I saw a crowd a host of golden daff.........."
Darling, you didn't write that!!!
I did too. Look, this is my handwriting, isn't it?
Drink your folic-acid-rich parsnip strainings, dear.

Birdwatching
Mommy, why does Grandpa watch birds?
I don't know, dear. It's a mystery to me. Ask him.
Grandpa, why do you watch birds?
Because they are quieter than children and they don't ask dumb questions,
Mommy, I think Grandpa should be called Grump-pa.
Eat your FAO-approved possumburger, dear.

Life after Death
Mother, is there life after death?
I don't know, dear. Ask you Grandpa.
Grandpa, is there life after death?
Sure there is, sweetiepie. Why else would I shave every morning?
Mother, I think Grandpa is weird.
Slurp your Kanazawa noodles, dear.