Thursday, March 27, 2014

Monday, March 17, 2014


A woman in Rugeley has been the victim of a hate campaign after someone posted a photo of her breastfeeding in a public place. It has aroused an unbelievable reaction on the social media, vehemently for and violently against.
I have to confess that on the few occasions when I have seen a woman breastfeeding in public, it has disconcerted me, though I cannot tell you why. One thing's for sure: I would not condemn her, but I would probably avert my gaze.
For those of you who are all in favour of public breastfeeding, sit back, relax and enjoy this videoclip.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Set phrases

A friend of ours / came round / the other evening / and / it took us ages / to get rid of him.

The man who wrote that sentence on the blackboard (yes, this was a long time ago) during a teacher-training weekend gave me a fine piece of weaponry in the battle to teach English to foreign learners. I stole his idea - we called it eclecticism in those days - and drummed that sentence and a hundred like it into the heads of generations of young folk. I like to think that even today in Zurich or Stuttgart or Toulouse there are ageing bank managers and tooth doctors and masseuses who, at the drop of an idiom, can talk about a friend of theirs and about it taking ages to get from here to there and how they'd love to get rid of dandruff, etc.
It was a new idea but the methodology was as old as Moses: to commit to memory sentences containing whole phrases which, individually, did not yield easily to analysis. Go on, mock if you wish, but it worked. And if you are a teacher of English as a foreign language, please eclect.

Envoi: the writing of this piece was provoked by discovering two of my old workbooks from the nineteen-sixties, their pages creased and yellowed just like me, but full of happy memories and good stuff. Just like me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Finding a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed...

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Smart kid, French-style

 Dans une salle de classe la maîtresse interroge le petit Pierre:
"Pierre, 4 oiseaux se reposent sur une clôture, si tu tires sur un oiseau avec ta carabine, combien d'oiseaux reste-t-il ?"
"Zéro" répond Pierrot, "Parce que si je tire sur un oiseau, les autres vont s'enfuir en volant."
" réponse que j'attendais était trois" dit la maîtresse, "mais j'aime bien ta manière de penser."
Alors, Pierrot lève la main et dit : "J'ai une question pour vous maîtresse :
"Trois femmes sont en train de savourer des cônes MIKO, la première lèche son cône, la deuxième mord son cône et la troisième le suce, laquelle des trois est mariée ?"
La maîtresse rougit jusqu'aux oreilles et répond d'un air gêné : " ne suis pas sure. J'imagine que c'est celle qui suce le cône..."
"Non" dit Pierrot, "c'est celle qui porte une alliance, mais j'aime bien votre manière de penser.

Monday, February 17, 2014


If Diane Krall doesn't curl your toes, it ain't her fault! She does an amazing rendition of this old Blossom Dearie number, Peel Me a Grape.

The Old Scrote's Knicker Drawer

I guess it is the experience of most married men to be aware of the mystery which is their everloving's knicker drawer. You never went there, and she damned well didn't want you to. At best you caught a glimpse. Terrifying. And, again most of you married men reading this
will recall the occasion when your wife decided to have a clear-out of her knicker drawer. Again, mysterious, terrifying. You, of course, were banished from the bedroom for the duration. Clearly the drawer contained a much greater variety of bits and bobs than its name suggests, but that is enough about that. Job done, leaving a tidy drawer (one assumes) and a smug expression on the lady's face.
The reason I mention all this is that I have just had a blitz on the male equivalent: my sock drawer. Goodness, what an accumulation of tat! How can I have been such a slut over the years? Socks of every shade and shape, hole-ridden, crusty and pilled; horrible from every standpoint. The only consolation is that I found a couple of things that I had been looking for in vain over the years, including my father's ARP whistle (don't ask). Anyway, the drawer is now cleared of two-thirds of its contents, and what remains is very tidy and totally identifiable. The whole exercise gave me a fresh respect for my late wife, God bless her.
PS I don't apologise for the misleading title I gave to this piece: it was the only way I could be sure of attracting your attention.