Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Friday, June 24, 2011


La scène se passe en la maison de retraite 'Les Cheveux Blancs'.
Fernand, 91 ans, voit avec bonheur arriver une nouvelle, Félicité, une jeunette de 85 ans.

Rapidement, comme deux aimants, leur attirance mutuelle les fait s'asseoir côte à côte au réfectoire, devant la TV, pendant les jeux et Fernand tient Félicité par les épaules pendant les farandoles.

Arrive ce qui devait arriver: Les deux amoureux, un beau soir, partagent
le même lit, chambre 320…
Je vous laisse imaginer cette première nuit d'amour…

Le lendemain matin, Fernand, au réveil :
"Félicité, ma chère, je vous dois des excuses; Si j'avais su que vous étiez toujours vierge, j'y serais allé plus doucement .."

"Mais non, mon bon Fernand, c'est moi qui vous présente mes excuses:
Si j'avais su que vous pouviez encore, j'aurais retiré mes collants…"

There's hope for us yet.

Unfinished business between the shoulderblades

It's not over yet, folks. The scar between my shoulder blades still hasn't healed completely. There's still a wee hole that refuses to close. Apparently the way to zap whatever is preventing it from closing is to give it a dose of Silver Nitrate.But they haven't got any at the Surgery, so if anyone reading this knows how to add 1 glob of Silver to 1 glob of Nitrogen and 3 globs of Oxygen, drop me a line.
Envoi: I use the word glob as a catchall for atoms, molecules, neutrons, electrons, tampons and all the other bits of matter that I can't remember the names of.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Barbary Dove

The judgment is that the pale individual mincing around my back lawn is an escape, a Barbary Dove. According to what I have been told (thanks, Peter), the taxonomy of the Streptopelia genus is quite messy (My word, not Peter's. I think his word was "interesting"). If you wish to know more, you are clearly in dire need of a life.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Colour prejudice

I fear there has been an outbreak of racism in my back garden. Among the Collared Doves, one has appeared which is incredibly pale. Almost white in fact, in contrast to its duskier congeners.
A little while back, I looked out to see Whitey being bullied by a Dusky. I noticed too that Whitey is somewhat smaller than the usual.
He's a very pretty fellow is Whitey, delicate, almost feminine. In fact he could be a she, there's no way of telling. Anyway, lang may his/her lum reek, despite the opposition.
Even a Woodpigeon had a frown of disapproval as it approached the pretty dove, but then, Woodpigeons tend to look grumpy most of the time.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Papa's got a brand new bed!

(With apologies to James Brown, may he rock in peace)

The old base and mattress have supported the imperial bum for too many years. The mattress in particular had become as flaccid as a badly-formed simile. So, out with the old and in with the new!

I read somewhere that we spend a third of our lives in bed. Make that two-thirds.....

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

White-throated Robin

A vagrant has turned up on the north-east coast. If you want to know how the natives react to the prospect of seeing a rare bird, click HERE.
And this is the beastie in question.
Sets your pulse racing, doesn't it? No? What's wrong with you??
If you really want to needle the twitchers who go to see a bird like this, spread the story that it has been confirmed as nothing more than a 
cagebird escape.>evil grin<

Monday, June 06, 2011


This from the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung.
Sprossen wohl Ursache der Ehec-Epidemie
F.A.Z. FRANKFURT, 5. Juni. Sprossengemüse aus Niedersachsen ist offenbar die Ursache für den schweren Ehec-Ausbruch in Deutschland. Die Ware stammt aus einem inzwischen geschlossenen Betrieb in Bienenbüttel im Kreis Uelzen, wie das niedersächsische Landwirtschaftsministerium am Sonntag mitteilte.

Note the dateline. What a way to remember my seventy-fifth birthday!

Bean sprouts it is, then.

How did they become contaminated? Lindemann (the scientist in charge of the investigation) "noted that they are grown with steam in barrels at 100 degrees Fahrenheit, an ideal environment for bacteria to multiply."
The farm in question is "organic", which seems to put it on the side of the angels. But read on: ".......the farmers had not used any manure, which is commonly spread on organic farms and has been known to cause E. coli outbreaks."
It's a bugger when you can't even trust an organic German.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

La vieillesse vue par Philippe Noiret

Seems like I'm not the only one:-
Il me semble qu'ils fabriquent des escaliers plus durs qu'autrefois. Les marches sont plus hautes, il y en a davantage. En tout cas, il est plus difficile de monter deux marches à la fois. Aujourd'hui, je ne peux en prendre qu'une seule.
A noter aussi les petits caractères d'imprimerie qu'ils utilisent maintenant. Les journaux s'éloignent de plus en plus de moi quand je les lis: je dois loucher pour y parvenir. L'autre jour, il m'a presque fallu sortir de la cabine téléphonique pour lire les chiffres inscrits sur les fentes à sous.
Il est ridicule de suggérer qu'une personne de mon âge ait besoin de lunettes, mais la seule autre façon pour moi de savoir les nouvelles est de me les faire lire à haute voix - ce qui ne me satisfait guère, car de nos jours les gens parlent si bas que je ne les entends pas très bien.
Tout est plus éloigné. La distance de ma maison à la gare a doublé,
et ils ont ajouté une colline que je n'avais jamais remarquée avant.
En outre, les trains partent plus tôt. J'ai perdu l'habitude de courir pour les attraper, étant donné qu'ils démarrent un peu plus tôt quand j'arrive.
Ils ne prennent pas non plus la même étoffe pour les costumes. Tous mes costumes ont tendance à rétrécir, surtout à la taille.
Leurs lacets de chaussures aussi sont plus difficiles à atteindre.
Même le temps change. Il fait froid l'hiver, les étés sont plus chauds. Je voyagerais, si cela n'était pas aussi loin. La neige est plus lourde quand j'essaie de la déblayer. Les courants d'air sont plus forts.
Cela doit venir de la façon dont ils fabriquent les fenêtres aujourd'hui.

At last!

Well, it's up. Finally. And it's going to be a great success. I know this because I've got it written down on a piece of paper.

Photo by Bob Tonks

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Free at last!

I had a nice surprise in the post this morning: a letter from the TV Licensing Authority telling me that I am exempt from paying the annual licence fee from now on, the "now on" in question being my seventy-fifth birthday, the seventy-fifth birthday in question being this coming Sunday, June 5th.
Please don't send me presents, though. Money will be sufficient.

Prom dress

I saw my lovely neighbour piling the kids into her car this morning. It's half-term, so I asked "Going somewhere nice?" She replied: "Going to buy a prom dress for Clare." Clare is her daughter, and will be sixteen on June 4.
Prom dress?? When did this transatlantic custom arrive? I don't begrudge Clare her dress and a nice night out one iota, but, man, I don't know why we don't just transmute the "special relationship" into an application to become the fifty-second state of the USA.

Archbishop urges killing of Muslim children

I just read a newsitem about an Iranian cleric, a real sweetypie called Ayatollah Mohammad Taghi Mesbah. Here's the article, rejigged.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, considered one of the Church's most radical clerics, has issued a religious edict on his website whereby suicide attacks are not only legitimate but are a must for every Christian.
The senior cleric was responding to a question from a follower regarding the difference between
"martyr's death" and "suicide." The anonymous post noted that "some people say that martyrdom operations are considered suicide and that they are forbidden because they contradict the teachings of Christ."
The Archbishop expressed his regret in his response that his follower has fallen victim to
"propaganda of the enemies of Christianity" He added that the follower was wasting his time instead of focusing on "uprooting the evils of Islam".
"When protecting Christianity, the Christians depend on martyrdom operations. It not only is allowed, but even is an obligation," the Archbishop wrote.