Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Anyway, it seems to be getting better, but I hope to keep it going for a while yet, as I am getting quite a lot of sympathy, and today, wonderful!, I was brought home-made Chicken Soup and a bag of Clementines by my friendly Apus Rehabber.
I also have a Verruca, and I reckon that ought to be worth a bag of Liquorice Allsorts at the very least. Any offers?
And now, while waiting for the Relief Column to arrive, I will give you the best news I have had in 2008. Peter's wife, who has been in continuous pain for most of the year, has been totally pain-free for the best part of two weeks after some kind of manipulation treatment on her spine. Bozhe moi! Hamd olsun! Mazeltof! and Gott sei Dank! And anything else you can think of to give thanks. Please God it will continue. Me, I will raise yet another glass to this little miracle. After all, whatever else is going on in the world, I need to keep my throat lubricated.
PS The picture has nothing to do with my condition, but I hope it will act as a warning against excessive snogging when you've got a sore throat.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
So very true.
Blodwen Trellis, Mrs, Widow.
"An estimate for replacing the central heating boiler, £4000."
"No, come on, now. Be positive! What did he bring you?"
"An ear-and-throat infection."
"You are hopeless. There must be something good you can tell me..."
"Well, I enjoyed another two chapters of Bleak House."
"Why are you being so difficult? Tell me one GOOD thing he brought you."
"Father Christmas, of course."
"Father Christmas?! Are you on substances?"
"OK, let's cut the crap. Is there any chance at all you could be POSITIVE about something?"
"Yes, I am positive there's something wrong with my left knee."
"Oh, hell, I give up. Stew in your misery."
"Thank you, Ms Poppins. Oh, by the way....."
"I had the most wonderful Christmas Day. I was invited to lunch by my neighbours, Andy and Alison, and it was a joy to watch the children, Clare and Edward, opening their Christmas presents."
"I had a really long loving phonecall with my son, Jeremy, and another with my daughter, Sarah."
"Oh yes, some really nice birds in my garden....."
"Enough with the birds already! Nice talking to you. Bye."
[Thinks: I wonder who the hell that was. Jacob Marley's ghost, perhaps?]
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Anyway, I for one am glad you have taken a stand (Do Popes have a stand? Sorry, it's just the way my mind works!) against nasty perversities. I think you ought to say something too about mixed marriages, sopphism, mastication, bond-aid and so on. So many things people shouldn't be doing, specially when there's an economic crisis, ie, a time when we need all hands to the pump. Hands to the pump?! Oh there I go again! I really must cut down on my late night Ovaltine, it's making me frisky.
Blodwen Trellis, Mrs, Widow, Retired
Personally, too, I think the best policy should be "don't ask, don't tell". It matters not to me "who does what and with which and to whom" ***, as long as I don't have it in my face, so to speak.
Let's say I am morbidly attracted to isopods. Why should I ask the world to accept that? Why should I tell anyone anyway? As long as I don't do unspeakable things to woodlice in public, who's harmed.
And if the Pope pronounces against isopodophilia, well, he's got his opinion and I've got mine.
Oh god, I realise that I might become the target of Animal Rights nutters' wrath. I was only kidding about the woodlice, guys, honest! I wouldn't harm a hair on their lovely bodies (Note to self: check Wikipedia, find out if woodlice have hair).
There once was a gay of Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
About who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Non, je ne veux pas !
Allez Chérie, c’est le moment ou jamais, laisse moi gratter le wiwichu....
Bon, mon amour, mais c’est parce que je t’adore ...
Alors le garçon prend sa guitare
Et commence :
…. Wiwichu a merry crismas, wiwichu a merry crismas, wiwichu a merry crismas, and a japy niu yirrrr !!!
Friday, December 19, 2008
It would take a raptor the size of a female Sparrowhawk to tackle a Pheasant (As with most raptors, the female is bigger than the male), and even that seems hard to believe. The picture shows a female with her kill. Her prey item in this case is a Wood Pigeon.
Sparrowhawks are noble birds, but on this raw December Friday, I like them a little less than I did two days ago.
Monday, December 15, 2008
So, have I grown tired of dear Nigella, and therefore of life?
Not really. It's not her bosom I am turning away from, it's her cooking. She's good, very good, culinarily speaking, but I can't take any more of this "Here is a fabulous dish to stun your family and guests at your Christmas dinner".
What family? What guests? If I am lucky, I might get a Wood Mouse come down the chimney.
When a man is tired of Nigella's bazoom, he is just trying to get through Christmas. I'll be back, girl, you can depend on it.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I am not against that, but could I ask the authorities to consider a preliminary step, namely, "assisted life"?
Like removing the excise duty from wine and petrol, and increasing my retirement pension by maybe 300%?
Do that, guys, and then, when the time comes, you can feed me the Nembutal and no hard feelings.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
It is unusual in that it frequently hovers like a Kestrel, so I am going out again tomorrow in the hope of seeing that.
There may be better ways of spending one's time, but I don't know what they are.
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron , 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons , which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes . This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass . When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Sent to me by my friend, Angit, who ought to know better!
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs.Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished off the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Friday, December 05, 2008
And devisedeth He at that very moment a Cunning Plan as follows: - He madeth each of them to speak a different language, so that nobody could any longer understand what the f...... anyone else was talking about.
And great was the confusion and the lamentation and the wailing and the gnashing of teeth. But, like the trombone, it is an ill wind that nobody blows good (?), so it was also a great opportunity as some saw it to make a few bobs, namely, the Institute of Linguists and the School of African and Oriental Studies, and the Association of Recognised English Language Schools, and lots of other people, including Old Scrotes and Publishers and other Sinners of that ilk. And they all made fortunes out of the Babylonians' misfortunes.
And God looked on dismayed, and pondered He unto Himself as follows:- "These buggers will make a buck out of anything". And with that, wondered, as He had so often done before, whether a plague of locusts and a murrain on the cattle might do the trick.....
As you know, Cecil B de Mille was a great producer of biblical epics in the Hollywood style. It seems that, when filming the Ten Commandments, he spared no expense on the scene where the Israelites cross the Red Sea. He created a gigantic film set, hired literally thousands of extras, had the special effects and the sound recorder boys at the ready, and so on. When he deemed it ready for the shoot, he was about to call "Action!" when the heavens opened and God's voice boomed down from the clouds: "Ready when you are, Mr de Mille."
Ankara reminds me of Madrid in one respect - they are both as far from the sea as they can be, and yet they both have a reputation for excellent fish restaurants, with fish brought in daily from the coast.
Iskele, Deniz Yildizi and Yakamoz - memorable fish restaurants; only wish I could remember the names of all the dishes and fishes I sampled over the years.
But one I do remember:- a dish called hamsi, although it was a long time before I knew what hamsi were.
This note is prompted by a marvellous discovery I made today while doing my weekly shopping at Tesco's in Ely: they now stock hamsi in their delicatessen section! Except that, of course, they call them anchovies. I bought a portion and am now having great difficulty in refraining from eating them all in one go.
Many years ago, one of my teachers, about 30 years old said "I sometimes think that the pleasures of the table are preferable to the pleasures of the bedroom", and I thought, what a pillock. But as I approach my seventy-third year to Heaven, I have to say it will take an incredibly buxom woman on an incredibly shiny tractor to lure me away from my dish of Tesco's hamsi.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
It's an interesting mix of art, craft and science.
The science is knowing from systematic observation what the bird's requirements are, for instance, the need for a clear approach to the box, the need for some kind of initial layer (we use wood shavings) to cover up the bare-boarded floor.
The craft consists of the skill in constructing the box so that it is easy to make, easy to assemble, easy to erect and easy to monitor and maintain; and thereafter, in knowing the tricks for erecting boxes in many varying situations: on brickwork, on beams, on trees, and so on.
The art consists in knowing where to put the box to make it maximally attractive to the birds. And it is this last that is the most fun, because, being an art and therefore imprecise, it is the most likely to cause differences of opinion between my colleague Peter and me. Not that we argue, you understand; it's just that sometimes he has difficulty seeing that I am right.
Just kidding, Peter. It's always a joy to be out on the fens, frozen goolies notwithstanding, not only because what we are doing is in itself worthwhile, but also because we get to see some wonderful parts of the fens and meet some wonderful people too.
The lunchtime BLT sandwiches from Budgen aren't bad either.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
But my mission was a specific one, to go to the emporium called Kitchen and Things, a real labyrinth of passages and carousels selling everything culinary that you can think of. I found what I wanted - a wine rack for my home-made booze - and a couple of other things besides. Now, here's a bonus: on the way there, just short of Soham, two birds flew across the road in front of me, going at speed. They were starling-shaped, and there was a flash of waxy yellow on both of them.
It's a great wine rack, but I do wish Waxwings - if that is what they were - would slow down a bit, and preferably come feed on the berry-laden Guelder Rose next to my patio.
Dear Germaine Greer, she writes, I was fascinated by your piece on the game of cribbage, though I didn't agree with most of your expressions. For example, my late husband, Mr Trellis, always said "Jack up for two!" not "two for his heels", and always seemed to find the expression very amusing. But then, he often laughed for no particular reason I could see, like whenever he asked to "see my box". But I am sure you and I share a mutual incomprehension of the workings of the male mind.
Anyway, there is more to life than cribbage, and I am glad to see that you are still fighting the feminist cause in your old age. Like me, I notice that your neck has gone, but "there's a dance or two in the old dame yet", as Mrs Thatcher used to say. By the way, although I admire your struggle for women's rights, I do hope you are not a lesbian, because I can imagine nothing worse than having to share the bathroom with another woman.
Blodwen Trellis, Mrs, Widow, retired
Have you the slightest idea what I am talking about? If you haven't, then it means that your youth was not misspent as mine was. Thanks, dad, you were a great card player.
My best year at this game was the year I spent teaching at Longton High School, Stoke on Trent. Most evenings, I went to the Windmill pub at Meir Heath near where I had digs, and sat at the table with the cribbage enthusiasts playing crib and drinking pints till it was time to stagger back down the hill to my lumpy bed chez Mrs Ainsley, a dyky sort of woman, who never tired of telling me she was descended from the famous Ashley pottery family, and equally never tired of telling me what a wonderfully SUPERIOR person her previous lodger, Michael, was. Superior to me, that is. I wouldn't have given one for HIS knob, and that's a fact.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Yes, mes chers potes, the Old Scrote has successfully bottled his first five bottles of home-made Cabernet Sauvignon! My neighbour Andy came round this morning to help me transfer the plonk from the demijohn into the bottles and thereafter to bung in the corks. We sampled it, of course, and found it good. There should have been six bottles, but you know how it is once you start sampling....So impressed was I with the quality of this Chateau Scrote 2008 that I immediately went online to order another batch of syrup.
A note for my son Jeremy
Your dad's plonk may have tasted like Ribena in 1975, but the 2008 variety is the dog's bollocks. Come home and taste it sometime, but hurry: wine doesn't hang around long du cote de chez Scrote.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
"You pervs! It's all bloody nooky with you now, isn't it? Have fun today and sod'em gomorrah."
And then the Omnipotent One heaved a great sigh, regretting that he hadn't made it an eight-day week with TWO Sabbaths in it, and caused a great Flood to cover the earth. But, being soft-hearted, He got Noah to save two of everything, but with a strict injunction: no nooky on the Ark, keep them occupied with quoits and other deck games, bromide in the soup and get rid of that condom machine in the gents, etc.
And it came to pass that the waters receded, except in the Cambridgeshire fens, and the Earth was repopulated, but with the disappearance of quoits, bromide, etc, the lads and lasses fell back into their old wicked ways, doing it just because it was fun to do it, anywhere, anytime and with anyone.
It was then that God called to His Servant in the kitchen, saying "Mohammed, never mind the dishes, I've got a job for you on Earth............"
Thursday, November 27, 2008
On 31 January 2009 the St John's College Choir will be singing Evensong at Sidney Sussex, our sister college in Cambridge. The Fellow for Alumni invites you and a guest to join him at the service and afterwards for a champagne reception and fork buffet supper in Sidney’s Old Library. Evensong will be at 6.00pm, with drinks following at 6.45pm and supper at 7.15pm. You are welcome to join in all or part of the evening’s activities. Regrettably, numbers for the supper have to be limited to 48, so we will be filling these spaces on a ‘first come first served’ basis. We do hope that you will be able to join us at our first ‘St John's in Cambridge’ event. With best wishes The Alumni Office
The things these people will do to lure an Old Scrote back into the fold....
..., erm, of course I will go.
So, today, my dentist filed down the tooth to keep it free of contact with Lower Left 5, repacked it with antibiotic filling, and then put a temporary cap on it. It will take dynamite now to shift it.
The thing is this, amici miei: I only have the one life and the one set of teeth, so, crooked as they may be, and recalcitrant as Upper Left 5 may be, I am committed to throwing money at them till they settle down and agree to keep chomping.
And I pray that you never find bones in your pizza.
So I counted my blessings and found I had seventeen, which might seem a lot for an unpresumptive Welsh widow, but it does include such items as not suffering from varicose veins and having an unopened bottle of medicinal sloe gin in the cupboard.
You're a good man, even if you are Jewish, when you could easily have been a Primitive Methodist, and no snipping. The only other person of your faith that I know of is Rabbi Burns, who wrote incomprehensive poetry and lived off haggis.
If you are ever in Llanfairpg, do call in and we can have a nice theophysical chat over a plate of kosher Welsh Leek Soup.
Blodwen Trellis, Mrs, Widow, retd.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Starting at the back of Aldreth Hill, I again watched beaucoups of Redwings and Fieldfares busily feeding in the hedgerows and on the field, and periodically coming down to puddles on the track to drink and bathe. There were other species too: a pair of Bullfinches (they always seem to come in pairs, quite romantic really), Blue and Great Tits and Greenfinches and Chaffinches. Oh yes, and Robins, spunky little birds they are, too. Then I went on to Aldreth Fen, along Dam Bank, where I flushed Pied Wagtails from the concrete, and later watched a flock of about fifteen Corn Buntings on the wires, one of them giving little snatches of their distinctive tinkling song. Down to the Haddenham Engine, where I had good views of Water Rail, not a bird you see every day, for sure.
I paused for coffee and a snack, and began to wonder if I would ever find a Little Egret on the fen (two have been reported this year). More ambitiously, I thought Flat Bridge farm might finally yield a Great Grey Shrike. Never mind, I enjoyed visiting the reservoir there anyways, and clocked a pair of Gadwall and about sixty Wigeon, which took flight – wonderful sight! Back to the corner of Dam Bank and Long Drove, where I had my sandwiches while watching a pair of Stonechats together with about eight Reed Buntings. It always amazes me how much wildlife can be found in a scruffy patch of brambles in the middle of a tidy arable landscape. Birds demand so little....
Going along Long Drove, I decided on a detour up to Clayton's Bridge, where my attention was caught by a distand raptor being mobbed by corvids. It was falcon-like and it was bloody bulky. My guess is a juvenile Peregrine, but it was too distant for me to be sure. Coming back to Long Drove, I came upon a small flock of Goldfinches feeding on teasel, and a flock of about fifty Linnets feeding on the ground on goodness knows what, seeds of some kind presumably. Before leaving Long Drove, I spotted another male Stonechat, a bird that's always worth stopping to look at. As usual, a couple of Kestrels were hunting along the drove verges – I swear they hover because they know they look good when they do it.
Over Hillrow Causeway and straight into Fowlmere Drove, which at this time of year is a nightmare of viscous mud and deep ruts. I made it, but only just, to the firmer ground of Back Drove, which turned out to be very quiet, possibly because it was the siesta time of day. I decided to go along the track which parallels the New Cut Drain, in the direction of Ces Burton's old house, hoping for maybe an owl or two. In fact, I didn't find any owls, but I was rewarded with more flocks of Fieldfares and Redwings, a party of five or so Yellowhammers and a little flurry of Long-tailed Tits. After another walk in fruitless search of owls, I decided to call it a day.
But what a day! Nothing to cause a bishop to kick a hole in a stained-glass window, as my old colleague John Andrews used to say, but a memorable day all the same, and further confirmation that the fens are not the barren waste that people often think.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The first time I ever tasted Martini Rosso, a fortified wine if ever there was one, I was in Naples, a beardless youth of 22, eager for adventure, and all the etceteras that follow from that eagerness. With friends, I seemed to spend my non-teaching hours in my room in the Pensione dei Mille sipping Martini Rosso and trying to impress a Scottish girl who taught in another school in the city.
I left Naples and after that didn't drink Martini Rosso again until this evening, thanks, as I say, to Tesco's. I really believe Tesco's have my welfare at heart. Why else would they gorge me on nostalgia like this?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I am sure you appreciate that when a man starts writing about his kitchen, he is getting desperate...
Misfortune, so far, seems to have passed me by. On the contrary, a few good things have happened: I just received several Premium Bond wins, a tax refund, a winter fuel allowance (you gotta be OLD to get that), and even British Telecom gave me £17 back when I left them for TalkTalk.
OK, so my house is worth maybe 20% less than it was a few months ago, but as I ain't selling it, it's just a paper value.
Unemployment? Hell, I have been practising unemployment for years now.
So, as far as the Old Scrote is concerned, God's in his Heaven and all's right with the World.
Yes, I accept that a lot of people are headed for difficulties, but we have this Gordon Brown person who is going to make everything ok again.
So, let's get the cork out of another bottle and celebrate the fact that we ain't dead yet! Not by a long chalk. I hope.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Dear Hillary Clinton, she writes, I read in the papers that the darky fellow, whatsisname, you know, the foreigner, Origami or something, well, that he was going to give you a job in his new government. You know your own business best, dear, but if I was you I would precede with extreme caution. Mr Trellis, my late husband, did his National Service in Libya, where he learned to chainsmoke Woodbines, and he always reckoned that you couldn't trust them, you know, them bedwins: they were forever trying to sell you djellabiyahs and other dodgy underwear.
So, you be careful. I always liked you and the way you coped with your hubby's infelicities (the cross all we wives have to bear, dear!), and I wouldn't like to see you transgressed by this Origami person, even if he is President of the Untied States.
Blodwen Trellis, Mrs, Widow, retired.
I told you how a grateful barnowl box erectee gave us a couple of bottles of wine each. Well, tonight I sampled the posh one. The label reads: Domaine du Sauvage LIRAC Appellation Controllee 2000.
My oenophile colleague will probably cross me off his Christmas card list for this, but I have to say that I found it flat, tasteless, unappealing, lifeless and forgettable. It's the kind of plonk I would pour on rusty bolts.
So, that's me relegated to the ranks of the bloody philistines.
Mind you, I still drank the whole fricking bottle - we were taught during the War never to waste anything........
But the main reason I am posting this is to ask a question. You know how before you play the movie, you are given options, such as Special Features, Scene Selection, etc? Well the first and most important option is Language. When I clicked on Language, the choice offered me was:
That's it. No other choices.
But why Islenska? Why have the good folk of Iceland been picked out for this special treat?
And why have so many much more populous nations, such as France, Spain or Germany, been excluded?
Weird or what?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
At the time after I came back from Angola, I was writing for Penguin publishers, whose editor was a great and wonderful man called Van Milne. He had been a fighter pilot in the Battle of Britain, was the ultimate Scottish gentleman, a great dinner companion and a wonderful editor. I knew that he had spent years in West Africa, so I steered the conversation round to a query about his intestines. No, he said, unlike most other white men on that foetid coast, he had never had any problems. And then he explained why.
"When I was a boy, my mother took me to a Temperance Meeting, where a fierce lady railed against the evils of the Demon Drink. To prove her point, she showed us a glass of water which she had taken from the local burn (stream). The water was alive with wriggly little things. She then poured a tot of whisky into the water, and every living thing in it died in seconds."
At this point, you, my brainy readers, know where this is going.
"So," said Van, "when I was posted to West Africa, I reasoned that all I had to do was to drink whisky every evening, and I would kill any nasty organisms that might get into my system. So I did, and I never got ill."
Listen, I wish I was clever enough to make up something like this. Now, where did I put that bottle of Glenfiddick....?
Friday, November 14, 2008
Anyway, apart from being very nice to look at and very nice to listen to - she has one of those velvet voices that soothe even the grumpiest old scrote - she has two wonderful assets:
1 She is a mathematical genius, she can do things with numbers that amaze you
2 She has the best bum I have seen on a woman in many a long year's ogling.
Two causes for ungrudging admiration. And not necessarily in that order.
"This wine is not for drinking. This wine is for laying down and avoiding."
In fact it's not bad at all. Fermentation is complete, stabiliser added. According to the instructions, I need to shake the wine for 3-4 minutes 3 times a day for 4 days, that is 48 minutes. Then, after adding the finings, I must shake the wine for 20 minutes. That's over an hour of exercise, so I can now see that wine-making is also good for the cardio-vascular system.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
On one memorable Sunday afternoon, shortly after I had arrived in Brescia, I was taken to two casini, and though - you have to trust me on this - I did not avail myself of the services on offer, I was mightily impressed by the civility, indeed the normality of it all. And then; suddenly, they were no more.
I was just watching Fellini's Amarcord for the nth time, and switched off after the moment in the film when the new consignment of "filles de joie" arrived in the town. I am neither for nor against legalised prostitution, I simply don't have a view, but remembering my friend Guiglielmo's angst, I couldn't watch any more.
Thank god for the joy I get from watching birds, and I am not talking about ladies of the night.
At this point, the dentist's Dental Nurse, Penny, spoke about her childhood enthusiasm for beetles and other small creatures, and ended up boasting proudly about her collection of snails, each one with a number painted on its shell to give it an individual identity. By this time the dentist was back in my mouth, if you will pardon the expression, while Penny sucked the liquid out, if you will pardon the expression. When the dentist commented adversely on her practice of numbering her snails, Penny came back vociferously, saying how she looked after them, cared for them, fed them, housed them and made sure that they had plenty of fresh air and exercise. Exercise?!
It's not easy to laugh while you have a dentist and his assistant in your mouth, but I collapsed into hysterics at the mental image of Penny as a little girl taking her snails for a walk every morning. In no time, the three of us were helpless with laughter.
The dentist's chair is not a place where you expect to have fun, and to be honest, it was a painful session, but God bless Penny and her snails. I would have kissed her but the whole of the left side of my face was frozen. Also, she's unmarried, and I know better than to kiss unmarried women.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
You couldn't make up a story like this:-
EU to allow 'wonky' fruit and veg on supermarket shelves
EU nations on Wednesday gave the green light Monday for bent cucumbers and other 'wonky' fruit and vegetables to be sold in supermarkets and elsewhere, as part of a drive to cut red tape.
"This is a happy day indeed for the curvy cucumber and the knobbly carrot, and other amusingly shaped fruits and vegetables," said European Commission spokesman Michael Mann.
"Rules governing the size and shape of fruit and vegetables will be consigned to history", the commission said in a statement.
In all, marketing standards for 26 fruits and vegetables are being scrapped, paving the way for the return to shopping trolleys of forked carrots, onions that are less than two thirds covered with skin and the bent cucumbers among other deviant vegetables.
The rules had been derided as "bonkers" by the likes of major British supermarket chain Sainsbury's, while major agricultural nations such as France have argued that scrapping the restrictions will lead to a fall in prices and thereby hit farmers.
"This marks a new dawn for the curvy cucumber and the knobbly carrot," said EU Agriculture Commissioner Mariann Fischer Boel.
"It's a concrete example of our drive to cut unnecessary red tape. We simply don't need to regulate this sort of thing at EU level. It is far better to leave it to market operators."
She added that in the current climate of high food prices and economic woes "consumers should be able to choose from the widest range of products possible. It makes no sense to throw perfectly good products away, just because they are the 'wrong' shape."
Representatives of most EU countries voted against the rule change, but not by the overwhelming "qualified majority" required to stop it going through, a commission spokesman said.
The rules are to be scrapped for apricots, artichokes, asparagus, aubergines, avocados, beans, Brussels sprouts, carrots, cauliflowers, cherries, courgettes, cucumbers, cultivated mushrooms, garlic, hazelnuts in shell, headed cabbage, leeks, melons, onions, peas, plums, ribbed celery, spinach, walnuts in shell, water melons, and chicory.
Standards are kept in place for 10 others, including several of the most popular items in European kitchens; apples, citrus fruit, kiwi fruit, lettuces, peaches and nectarines, pears, strawberries, sweet peppers, table grapes and tomatoes.
Mann explained that these were being maintained as a compromise to opposed member states, while assuring that there was "practically no difference" between the two categories.
Vendors will be able to sell deviant versions of the still proscribed items as long as they are labelled as a "product intended for processing" or similar.
The European Commission, the EU's executive arm, must formally adopt the changes which, "for practical reasons", will be implemented from next July.
Rules for straight bananas are not affected.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I don't deny that you get those frissons in your you-know-where, after all you are a man, and therefore unable to control your baser nature, but I do think, as a public figure, you ought to curb these "urgencies". I am talking about Sarah Palin, Margaret Lockwood (whoever she may be, not a relative, I hope), Sandra Bollocks, and now four adolescent virgins - what ARE you thinking of?!
I do understand your weakness, believe me, I had the same struggle with the late Mr Trellis, God rest his soul, the bastard. He had an obsessive passion for Shirley Bassett, a nice enough Welsh girl, and used to eat KILOS of Liquorice Allsorts in her honour, poor man.
But, while, as you will appreciate, I don't give a shepherd's crook for your obsession, I do think that, as a public figure, you ought to set a good example, ie, act your age, stop lusting after young girls, and maybe settle for an elderly excommnicated nun. Just be careful, though, that you don't catch anything, like catholicism or other communicable diseases.
There is something SO unfriendly, so uncompromising, about that gesture that it turns my blood to ice.
Hell, it's not even as if I cut them up at the traffic lights......
And then I heard a Robin's plaintive autumn song. And felt better. Good old Robin Redbreast, Britain's National Bird. God's in His heaven, all's well with the world. I felt a real affection for Erithacus rubecula at that moment.
Till I realised it was singing in an Edith Piaf accent. Is nothing sacred?
But it's not just the mess on the kitchen floor, it's not just the constant glerp-glerp of carbon dioxide bubbling through the air filter, it's not even the weird taste of the stuff when I inadvertently swallowed a mouthful as I sucked a sample through the syphon.
No, it's the instructions that accompanies the kit. First off, written in insurance policy type so small you need to employ an ant to read it. And when your ant finally tells you what it says, you go gaga trying to conform to the rituals of sterilisation and measurement. Damn, it's so complicated, it's almost religious.
But, whatever the oenological outcome, there is one piece of added value - I have finally understood what "specific gravity" is. That is something that our nerdy physics teacher, Mr "Gobbler" Holmes, never managed to explain during all my years at Wellington Grammar School. To which, if you are so inclined, you could add Archimedes' Principle, Boyle's Law, Avagadro's Hypothesis, the moment of a couple, refraction, Ohm's Law, the Wheatstone Bridge (which didn't seem to span anything) and much much more.
But Specific Gravity I now got. Finally.
Like I got a hydrometer to measure it. Not that I understand the hydrometer.
Can't wait to pour this lot down the sink and get back to my regular supplier.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
For example, I loved the old red public phoneboxes. Solid, dependable, a good place to get out of the rain or enjoy a quick knee-trembler, so why did British Telecom replace them with flimsy draughty see-thru cloches with a logo reminiscent of a ganymede trying to avoid the attentions of a randy satyr?
I loved the insignia of British Railways, but look at it now. Mind you, it's made no difference to the service, just as random as ever, but that's not the point.
I loved the insignia of British Airways, an honest Union Jack, not that psychodelic fruit macedoine they now have plastered on their tails. Mind you, it's made no difference to the service, just as random as ever, but that's not the point.
Oh, did I say that already? I won't go on, I am sure you can supply examples of your own, what they call re-branding, and what I would call acts of desperation to cover up the fact that they can't solve the REAL problems.
But, decades after the event, I am still irritated by the elongation of the last pip of the Greenwich time signal. Since the time of Alfred the Great, or thereabouts, it had been six equal pips: PIP-PIP-PIP-PIP-PIP-PIP, followed by Stuart Hibbert's baritone, reassuring the country that the end of rationing was in sight. Or whatever.
And then, some tight-arsed nebbish in Whitehall decided to elongate the sixth pip, so ever since, it goes: PIP-PIP-PIP-PIP-PIP-PEEEEP. I bet the bastard got an OBE for that stroke of pointless innovation.
I know what you're thinking: does it matter? The answer is: only if you are trying desperately to keep a grip on reality, which is Mein particular Kampf these days.
- railway stations,
- the centres of foreign cities
(Oh yes, and loos, but that's indelicate, usually a signal from my bladder that it is time to point percy at the porcelain again, regardless of the hour)/
So, I am trying to catch a train, but I can't find the ticket office, and I don't know which train I need.
Or I am trying to find my way back to my hotel in a strange city, and can't find the way. In fact, I always end up in a rural area with lots of mud.
Or I am trying to find my room in a hotel, but I can't find the room, or indeed the key to the room.
Worst of all, I have recurring dreams about my years in Academe, mostly but not exclusively Eurocentres. I am late for class, or I don't know my timetable, or I am a teacher in a school but nobody recognises me.
I really don't want to bother Him, but if he can't fix me up with Margaret Lockwood, could He at least spare me all this Insecurity crap? And if you get the chance, tell Him I would settle for Sandra Bullock if ML, being seriously dead, is no longer available.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
So, what I am saying is, Barack Obama almost certainly owes his victory to me. I don't really mind, although I shall miss the sight of Sarah Palin's mouth opening so wide, it is the spit of the entrance to the Mersey Tunnel that I used to scoot through every day on my way to Liverpool Uni to learn about teaching. I put her photo here because this is the last time you may see her until she is chosen as Republican presidential candidate in 2012.
Funnily enough, Barack Obama has not asked me for advice on how to proceed, and, let's face it, he's taking on a rotten job right now. I would perhaps suggest to him, though, that he avoids driving in an open-topped car anywhere where there are grassy knolls.
Today, November 6, out on Barn Owl business with my colleague Peter, we had a day when not only did everything go right, but we also had a couple of moments that were truly memorable.
The first was meeting a feisty lady who is now effectively the boss of a 1000-acre farm. She and her family have done amazing things to make the farm wildlife-friendly, a gorgeous mix of copses and hedgerows and ponds and beetle banks and field verges and headlands: without doubt, an ideal place for Barn Owls. We surveyed the area with her and found sites for three boxes. I have no doubt that within a mere lustrum, she will have twenty boxes up.
The second was a meeting with a man who wanted us to put up a Barn Owl box for him. We had not met him before, but were glad we did, because he has an enterprise to introduce some wonderful Cotes du Rhone wines to Britain, wines that are not available elsewhere. After inviting us to taste a couple, he then gave us two bottles each, plus a very interesting looking white wine for Peter's wife. Such a generous act.
The third was the beauty of the Autumn landscape as we drove through the fens, a riot of coloured leaves and rich red berries. We stood for a while after putting up a Kestrel box on a Poplar and watched the leaves raining down around us. Good karma.
I hope Joseph had a good birthday down there in Auckland NZ, and I know that my lovely Turkish friend will be happy that I had such a good day today despite her own personal sadness.
Not much else to say: every day of our lives is like this, good moments and bad moments, and we have to learn to expect neither and cope with both.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
One: I went to Minsmere to meet up with my old Ringwood mates, Mike and Martin, partly because they had told me there was a "Semi-palmated Sandpiper" there, a real rarity. I arrived, sat next to them in the hide and followed their directions to the bird, a diminutive creature on a far sandbank. In fact there were a lot of "diminutive creatures" on the far sandbank. "Sorry, which one's the Semipalmated Sandpiper?" "The one that's limping," came the reply.
I located the limping bird, but as far as I am concerned, I have not seen a Semipalmated Sandpiper.
Two: I was at Radipole in Dorset with a young and excellent birder called Bruce Carswell. We approached a group training their scopes on a gull flock.
"Ring-billed Gull," says the senior guy in answer to our query. So we look, we follow the directions, we find the bird, and...to us it looked like an immature Common Gull. Neither Bruce nor I disputed the senior guy's identification. It was just that we couldn't see what distinguished it. So, Bruce and I decided to go on our way into the reserve and look again later. When we looked again later, we couldn't find the bird in question, at least, nothing that was different from the several immature Common Gulls that were there. So, I have not seen a Ring-billed Gull.
In my early days of birding in Christchurch Harbour, I, one spring, found a WoodLark on Warren Hill. I submitted a written description (you always have to do that with rare or uncommon birds). And it was rejected. I was indignant. Some twelve years later, I agreed that I could not be sure it was a Woodlark.
The moral of this story is simple: if you want to avoid the searing of your soul, the first person you must be honest with is yourself. Kid yourself, and it will come back to haunt you. Mind you, I still think it was a Woodlark. I saw that black and white primary covert bar. Honestly I did .........
But for me, the jewels in the crown are the old barns we come across. We visited one, for example, that had housed Italian POWs during WWII, and there were still graffiti on the walls from that time. Another, known locally as the Black Barn, has some fine timberwork. But the barn that took my breath away the other day is an Elizabethan Tithe Barn, huge, majestic, with internal timberwork that is just wonderful. The farmer told us that the barn would originally have been thatched, and also that if it had to be rebuilt (after a fire, say, god forbid), it would cost £4.5. Best of all was the information that the timbers were salvaged from ships taken during the failed Spanish Armada. I don't care if it's true, it's such a delicious notion that it's worth believing anyway.
And for your delight, and with thanks to my barnowling colleague, Peter, here are two more pics of the barn interior - note the partial old scrote on the left of the picture.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Today I got a lifer: a Red-flanked Bluetail. And all thanks to my anonymous friend, D. I was, as you can imagine, very happy. And then, two things happened to make me even happier. First, as we were driving back towards one of our favourite birding spots, Titchwell (They also make an awesome sausage and onion baguette, and we were hungry), we came upon a field where beet had been lifted, leaving a mass of "tops". And on that field were, who knows?, maybe 8000 Pink-footed Geese, so close we could almost touch them, and so wonderfully noisy, a medley of the most musical notes that any geese can utter. Magic, unforgettable. Not a "lifer", but one of those birding moments that you never forget.
And then, somewhat later at Titchwell, we got into conversation with a lady who was SO excited because she had seen several new species that day, bringing her "life" total up to maybe 50 or 60. Oh my, that was a wonderful moment for her, but also a wonderful moment for me and for D, because we both relived our first days in birding. She has so many lifers still to come. Me, I bumped my total up today by one bird, but hell, that's not what matters. What matters is that every encounter with wildlife is an enrichment, a chance to realise that we are all part of something much bigger and more beautiful than ourselves.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Anyway, as my contribution to this worthy endeavour - listing the presidents in order of merit, not electing another one - I have decided to recall the anecdotes relating to each one, anecdotes which somehow encapsulate their character and achievements.
Old Mr Washington looked out of his window and saw to his horror that his cherry tree had been chopped down. He grabbed his son by the collar and asked him if he had done it. Young George stayed calm "Sir, I cannot tell a lie. A big boy did it and ran away." His father gave him a good hiding anyway, on the grounds that all boys are wicked.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Bugger, I thought, that's probably true of me too. So, may I advise those of you who still lust after my fading parts to make the most of me while you can, and definitely before end February 2011.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Which is why I want to talk to you about sprouts. For the benefit of our North American readers - how are you both? - I should explain that I am talking about Brussel Sprouts, not that curious stuff you call sprouts, which has the texture of wire netting and the aroma of stale silage.
In my country - I love that phrase! - in my country, sprouts come into their own in autumn, preparing themselves for the BIG DAY, ie, Christmas Day, when they can snuggle up to a turkey and a stack of roast potatoes.
We all believe that sprouts only taste good once they have had the first frost in them. Well, given that London had snow yesterday, the first October snow since 1932, and given that my brass monkey has applied to the Sudanese Embassy for asylum, I think the sprouts are ready for eating.
I used to watch my mother preparing sprouts. She would cut the base of the sprout, peel off any nasty outer leaves, and then cut a criss-cross in the stalk, presumably to help to soften it.
So I do the same. Inherited characteristics, or what? I can imagine this practice going back through generations of the France family. I can imagine Imogene de France preparing sprouts for the longbowmen at Agincourt. I bet that helped us win: flatulence can be a powerful weapon.
So, what has this to do with Upper Left 5 and Lower Left 5? Well, I have a weakness for RAW sprouts, despite the gaseous implications, but tonight, I decided to forgo that pleasure. Just this once - don't want to disengage the temporary filling in UL5.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
But Turkey, for God's sake, is an applicant for membership of the EU. I think this latest move on the part of the Fundamentalist Islamic Government of Turkey exposes their hypocrisy: they pay lip service to membership of the EU, but their true agenda is to break the power of the military in Turkey, which is traditionally the guardian of Ataturkism, ie, the secular state.
By all means rail at the political leaders you don't like, Gordon Brown, George Bush, Sarkozy, whoever, but when you have to decide which side of the barricades you are on, think carefully where you place yourself. There are some real BASTARDS out there that you wouldn't want to associate yourself with.
""" Don't take my word for it. Check out THIS site and THIS one.
There is a publishing house called "English University Press" that published*** books in a series called "Teach Yourself....", and it covered a wide variety of topics: academic, arts and crafts, sociopolitical, and so on. The EUP Teach Yourself books had striking yellow dustjackets with text in blue, and just to peruse a shelf-ful of them in a bookshop was almost as exciting for me as getting a glimpse of Cynthia Brown's knickers when she played netball. And I fell in love, of course, well, ok, with Cynthia Brown, but also with the language books in the EUP series.
I started with Teach Yourself German, which I bought with the proceeds of a few nights' carol singing in the December of, I think, 1950. Then I bought Teach Yourself Spanish by Norman Scarlyn-Wilson for no particular reason that I can remember, but I just LOVED the conjugations of Spanish verbs. By this time, I had (almost) forgotten Cynthia Brown. Then, at University, spurred by envy that so many of my fellow undergraduates had done Russian during National Service, I bought Teach Yourself Russian, which was, in fact, a terrible book. Fortunately, I was recommended Anna Semeonova's Russian Grammar, an amazing book, and one of the few language books I know that can give an impressionable young man an erection.
The other was "Teach Yourself Turkish" by Geoffrey Lewis.
My wife bought Professor Lewis's book for me as a Christmas present in 1961, and I dabbled for a while, and then forgot about it till I started to make regular visits to Turkey in the 1990s. I bought the revised edition of the book, and also Lewis's amazing Turkish Grammar, which almost caused me the same excitements as Semeonova's Russian Grammar all those years ago.
And now, out of the blue, I find myself reading Geoffrey Lewis's obituary. I didn't know he was an undergraduate at St John's, Oxford. Just so you know St John's has produced some very special people, including Dean Acheson, Tony Blair, Sadik AlMahdi, Takeo Iguchi, Kingsley Amis, and me, though this last is best regarded as an aberration.
***EUP is still going strong, but the covers are much jazzier now, and much less erotic from my point of view.