So, it looks as if Her Majesty Queen Alex Salmond is going to win the battle for an independent Scotland. How do you feel if you are English? I can only speak for myself and the irrational feeling I have that if the Scots don't love me any more, why should I love them? Then, warming to my theme of alienation, I comfort myself that I don't like their cuisine, I don't like their accent, I don't like their weather, I don't like their music, I don't like bloody Hogmanay - in fact, I am feeling really good now about the impending divorce. Who needs friends whose idea of good food is haggis or neaps and tatties, whose idea of music is the strangulation of a bladder with a pipe attached, whose idea of manly dress is a pleated skirt and no knickers?
Goodness, I feel so much better now. Queen Alex, you can kiss my a...e, it's good riddance to the lot of you.
But if, against the odds, the Scottish people vote NO to independence, I want you to know that I love the Highlands, I love malt whisky, I love the romanticism of the Isles, I love the poetry of Robert Burns, I love Scottish wildlife, and I once kissed a very pretty girl from Edinburgh. Welcome back, even if you never left.