Sunday, June 24, 2012

Herring Aid

In my Remind-Me Calendar, the entry for 02 July reads: 0090 Hering Test. I just noticed the orthographical oddity, and for a second my brain automatically corrected it to 0900 Herring Test. I like the idea of being fitted with the NHS equivalent of a Babel Fish, a device which will enable me to translate the many utterances that nowadays don't really make sense. For example

"A hosepipe ban is in force in East Anglia" -this during the wettest Spring since records began;

"Why do you need that test, I've never even heard of it" - this from the practice nurse at the Surgery (the test is an indicator of incipient cancers of the pancreas, etc and recommended by my doctor in Ankara);  

"Sorry, we can't balance your alloy wheels at this garage, it requires special equipment", which I interrpret to mean "Piss off, you and your ageing Nissan aren't worth bothering with".

Once I get my new Herring Aid, I shall KNOW what it all means! And, as a bonus, I might also catch a lot more of what people are saying to me and, if I can recover the higher frequencies, also be able to hear Goldcrests and Willow Warbler song and the chirping of bushcrickets again.
Mind you, I shall continue to use subtitles for American movies - my impression is that even the Yanks no longer understand what they are saying, rather like Little Jim in Eccles' boot.


Mike and Ann said...

I'm sorry to dissapoint you, Jake, but I've been wearing hearing aids for twenty years and I still can't hear the higher pitched birds. And I'd forgotten (if I ever knew) that bustickets chirped.

Jake Allsop said...

Thanks for the information. The tests revealed I have "moderate hearing loss", and I have decided not to have hearing aids at this stage, especially after what you said, and given that there's a lot nowadays that I don't particularly want to hear anyway.

Mike and Ann said...

Good point Jake. You are obviously a man who finds his own company adequate, and most people talk tosh anyway.
Just a final suggestion, though. I have found lipreading a great help. Been attending classes for six years and am becoming reasonably proficient. Nowhere near the complete answer (my lipreading teacher tells me that just under 30 per cent of the English language is lipreadable) but every little helps. Besides the classes are good fun (though very tiring). Ann refers to them as "Pa's playgroup", and that name seems to have stuck to them as far as the children and grandchildren are concerned.
Regards, Mike.