Thursday, July 08, 2010

Albert and the Lion

Get someone to recite this to you in a broad Lancashire accent:

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much of the Ocean:
The waves, they were fiddlin' and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothing to laugh at at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid and went into the Zoo,
Where they'd Lions and Tigers and Camels,
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big Lion called Wallace;
His nose were all covered with scars -
He lay in a somnolent posture,
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had heard about Lions,
How they was ferocious and wild -
To see Wallace lying so peaceful,
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with its 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear.

You could see that the Lion didn't like it,
For giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im,
And swallowed the little lad 'ole.

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence,
And didn't know what to do next,
Said 'Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert',
And Mother said 'Well, I am vexed!'

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom -
Quite rightly, when all's said and done -
Complained to the Animal Keeper,
That the Lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it;
He said 'What a nasty mishap.
Are you sure that it's your boy he's eaten?'
Pa said "Am I sure? There's his cap!'

The manager had to be sent for.
He came and he said 'What's to do?'
Pa said 'Yon Lion's 'et Albert,
'And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too.'

Then Mother said, 'Right's right, young feller;
I think it's a shame and a sin,
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we've paid to come in.'

The manager wanted no trouble,
He took out his purse right away,
Saying 'How much to settle the matter?'
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?'

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone.
She said 'No! someone's got to be summonsed' -
So that was decided upon.

Then off they went to the P'lice Station,
In front of the Magistrate chap;
They told 'im what happened to Albert,
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing,
'And thank you, sir, kindly,' said she.
'What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy Lions? Not me!'

The author is someone that nobody has ever heard of. This is his moment of glory: his name is Marriott Edgar.


Mike and Ann said...

Hullo, O.S. Strangely, I hwas asked to do precisely that (recite in a Lancashire....) earlier this year at a concert given in our local Church (large Suffolk cathedral like building- so called 'wool church'). I don't know if you're aware of 'Albert's return' but I've been asked to do that at the next one. I'm always slightly worried that there might be a real Lancashire person in the audience, who would be annoyed by my parody of a Lancashire accent, and start saying it with ripe tomatoes!!!!!

Old Scrote said...

Don't worry about it! I am sure nobody threw tomatoes at Stanley Holloway.
My mother's family were from north Lancashire, so my fake Lancs accent is passable.
Best of luck with Albert's Return. I don't know that one, so if you have a copy, I'd appreciate it.

Mike and Ann said...

Hullo O.S. We are at present in Sweden with daughter Nea and family, but when I return I will try and remember to forward you a copy. It's not quite as good as Albert and the Lion, but it does have its moments.
Regards, Mike and Ann.

Mike and Ann said...

P.s. Although, I should think you could find it on google. I'm fairly certain that's where I got my copy . If you do, it's worth checking some of Edgar's other stuff.
"One evening at dusk,
Noah were stood on his ark,
putting green oil in the starboard side lamp........"

HGJones said...

Hello Jake, Long time no speak, trust you are well. I'm surprised you think nobody has heard of Marriot Edgar - He's Poet Laureate Ooop 'ere in t' frozen North. My favourite from him is called "The 'Ole in the Ark" followed by "Three 'alfpence a foot" You will find them via Google. If you can't, message me and I will send them to you privately, or even put them on my Meagre blog.
Very Best Wishes
Howard Jones - Rossendale Valley

HGJones said...

Hello again Jake, Just put The 'Ole in the Ark on my Blog. Perhaps you would be so kind as to let Mike and Ann know as they may be interested.
Keep up the good work and give my regards to Mrs T.