Never one to leave any turd unstoned, Mrs T gives her all once again:
Dear Jeremy Clarkson, she writes, I am sorry I missed your birthday. Seventy-two? I can't believe it! You look so much older than that, but that might be your lack of hair and the fact that your neck has gone.
Anyway, I am writing to say how much I enjoy your programme, Come Dancing. It's such a refreshing change after all the sex and violence and cookery programmes on telly these days.
If you are ever in North Wales, do call in and I can promise you a Valeta that you will never forget.
Mrs Blodwen Trellis, Widow, No serious offer refused
PS Don't waste your time on Swifts. Nasty birds, poo all over the place, and you can't even eat them unless you're Italian.