Medical update

It's time to face facts, fellers. I saw my doctor this afternoon. Do you want the good news or the bad news? OK, the good news first: my doctor is in excellent health. Now for the other news. It's not just the knee, it's not even the knee, it's the whole fricking leg from hip joint via the groin down the shinbone to the ankle. My left leg is more fragmented than the Kingdom of Lothar.
At first, I fought back, telling the doctor about the unguents I was applying to my skin - Ibuprofen gel, Glucosamine gel, etc. His reaction: "They don't work, do they? You might as well rub salad cream into your legs." He did mention something about osteoarthritis and having to live with it, or go for a hip replacement, but I think he was only trying to console me, to make up for his cavalier salad-cream remark.
So that's it, it's all over. I am doomed.
Well, not quite, I am thinking of buying myself a tricorn hat, an eyepatch and a parrot and getting work in a Christmas pantomime. It would have to be Treasure Island, of course. Ah, Jim lad!