My north Wales correspondent never misses a trick:
Dear Kylie Minogue, she writes, so sorry to hear about your excessive flooding, dear. It's just one of the crosses we ladies have to bear.
I saw you on telly the other night, and I couldn't believe how scrawny you are. Also, you haven't got a bottom to speak of. My late husband, Mr Trellis, always said he liked them plump, and mine always seemed to comfort him in the wee small hours. Naughty man!
Still, you seem happy enough for an Australian. Is it true that you all wear corks? No wonder you're all bunged up! Just my little joke, dear.
Blodwen Trellis, Mrs, widow, retd.