I am very concerned about American security, and indeed about my own, but I don't know what to do about it.
My concern arises from the fact that on SIX occasions in the last two years, Immigration Control has taken my fingerprints and scanned my eyeballs. In fact it is SEVEN times, because on this latest trip, they did me at JFK on the way in, and at O'Hare on the way out. This means that they have multiple images of me and my bits in various places on their computers.
If one day, someone decides to collate all the records, they will find SEVEN of me and immediately put 2 and 2 together and make, well, 7. Don't misunderstand me, the uniformed gents and gentesses at Immigration Control are always a model of courtesy and helpfulness, but, mein Gott, one day they might regret letting SEVEN of me into the country.
What is their equivalent of a fatwa?
I hate the idea of G-Men descending on me as I stand at the water's edge with my grandchildren feeding bad bread to the ducks in the park, accusing me of goodness knows what heinous unAmerican offences, like feeding bad bread to American ducks in the park, and whisking me away - oh the shame of it - while my grandchildren look on thinking "You know, there always WAS something odd about Grandpa."
Am I worrying unnecessarily? Only time will tell, but I am seriously thinking of changing my name to something anodyne like Gorbachev.
Trouble is, eyeballs and fingerprints never lie. They have got me by the short and curlies and no mistake.