Thursday, January 25, 2007

Death and Pornography

I want to share with you my thoughts on the above subjects. No, that isn't true, I don't want to share my thoughts with you, I want to transfer my thoughts to you, so you can have the sleepless nights and I can get back to dreaming about nice things like chickadees and brinjal chutney.

[If you are of a delicate disposition, I advise you not to read further. There must be something on television worth watching....]

Back to D and P. As far as I can see, there are two serious issues that need to be addressed.

First - and this arises from a conversation with my childhood sweetheart, Alicia, who, like me, lives alone - what will happen when I die? What I mean is, how long will it be before someone finds me, and what state will I be in when they do? I don't know a lot about the decomposition of flesh, but having poisoned a few rodents in my time, I know that cadaverine and putrecine are not nosegay chemicals. So, I want to apologise in advance for any inconvenience my demise might cause, and, oh yes, while I think about it, whoever finds me, could they turn off the Central Heating: the cost of domestic oil is nothing short of scandalous these days.

Second, it's not only my own demise that concerns me, but the demise of my race. My brief encounter with the naughty websites (apparently something like 90% of the population spend 75% of their time visiting these) has scared me witless. As far as I can see, half the population spends its leisure time tying up the other half and beating it with whips and hairbrushes. Or was it cabbage leaves? Well, you know, dem sei wie ihm wolle, spanking, dressing up funny, and similar infertile activities.

When they are not into bondage - I had always thought of the need to bond as a very positive instinct - they seem to spend their time (How can I put this delicately?) munching on each other. I am far too liberal a chap to condemn fellatio and cunnilingus (two words that cry out for punnery), but I think people would get much more satisfaction out of a few sticks of celery if they just gave it a chance. Probably less fattening too.

It seems that getting the hots for the opposite sex is also out of fashion. If you haven't made it with someone who is built exactly like you, you are probably in need of counselling, it seems. Goodness knows what has happened to procreation. I don't want to be indelicate, but as any plumber will tell you, there are male parts and female parts and they are designed to complement each other, whereas....... oh hell, let's not go there.

It's all encapsulated in the limerick:

There was a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room

And they argued all night

About who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.

So, my beloveds, I am not only an old scrote, I am a bewildered old scrote. If and when I do pop my clogs, I just hope I will be found by a cheery police officer or a plump District Nurse. May it please God I am not found by a necrophile. Know what I mean?

2 comments:

prairie mary said...

When my mother was dying (she had a blood cancer: 5 years from diagnosis and warnings towards the end), she asked me about what would happen when she died. I got her that book called "How We Die" which goes into some detail about cell death and so on. She said she only read parts of it. Her concern was not the heat bill -- she was very worried that she might die on the street and commit an inadvertent indecency, like a skirt up over her head. Wearing slacks took care of that.

She insisted that she wanted to die at home. She hadn't realize that meant that her children would have the duty of cleaning her and any messes she made in the last hours. We hadn't seen her naked since we were toddlers and it was a bit much all around.

My only concern about death is that I get lots of lovely drugs or else just fall over, suddenly gone. Then I'm not my problem anymore.

Prairie Mary

Old Scrote said...

Mary, thank you for this. I appreciate that my normally cheerful blog took a real nosedive with this posting, and I am so glad that at least you were able to understand what I was trying to say. Death and pornography are obscene, life-denying, you might say, but they are realities, and sometimes we just have to confront realities.
God bless.
Jake