Just one this week:
I am trapped. Because my children live overseas, I have to pick up when INTERNATIONAL appears on the Caller Display LCD on my phone. Almost always, I get instead, either one of those subcontinent voices asking for Mr Alspop, or a breathless American female telling me I have just won Male Stripper of the Year Award or whatever.
There seems to be no escape and no defence, but I am working on one. As soon as I hear the voice of Mr Subcontinent Cretin or Miss Breathless Tart, I will fake a recorded message that goes something like this:
You have reached the phone of [static noise and the word Alspop]. Please choose from the following options:
- for accounts queries or psychotherapy, press one.
- for heavy breathing, grunting and sweating, press two
- for migraine and cerebral haemorrhages, bang the phone against your head
- for donations to your favourite charity, don't press anything
- to see what happens, press any key and the hash key at the same time.
- for all other queries, please ring off.
Not funny? You must be joking.