Telesales calls, grrrrr

Yes, Americans are plagued with telesales calls just as we are. The main difference is the opening gambit, which is always creepily chummy: "Hi, Mr [your surname], and how are you today?" And this before you have the slightest idea who is enquiring so solicitously about your wellbeing. I was caught off balance the first time, but I now have my answer ready.
"Hi, Mr [Surname], and how are you today?"

"It's kind of you to enquire. Not too bad for my age, as you might say, but my knees are really not so good, particularly the right one. I've been using the glucosamine gel, but it doesn't seem to be working. Also, I went for a long walk the other day in some cheap sneakers, and I seem to have strained my left Achilles' tendon. Apart from that, well, you know, my right shoulder gives me the usual problems sometimes, still thinking about massage or maybe chiropractic again, but you never know if you can trust that alternative stuff, I mean, think of needles being stuck in you and people pummelling your feet, etc. Oh yes, and the diet here, you know how it is, or maybe you are used to it, but I have to eat an awful lot of figs to keep regular, try to make it daily to the can, ha ha, but sometimes miss a day and get real panicky. I am sure you know what I mean. In fact, I start to have panic attacks about incipient bowel cancer, or the onset of irritable wossname. Which reminds me, I think I need to drink more cranberry juice, you know, the old prostate seems to have enlarged again, I seem to pee a lot during the night, but that might just be the wine. Also, listen, I don't want to bother you, but do you think a slight twitchiness of my left hand might be an early indicator of Parkinson's, or is it just the result of years of self-abuse? Etc blah blah blah...."
By which time, the poor sod on the other end of the phone has probably run to the bathroom and slashed his wrists.