Sunday, March 30, 2008

Ten Steps to Fitness

When you reach old scrotage, fitness regimes are, to say the least, daunting. For this reason, I have given some thought to a 10-step route to fitness for the chronologically-challenged. Whether you follow it is up to you, but don't blame me if your joints creak for lack of exercise.

Step 1
Park at least 200 yards from your wine merchant's door and enjoy the invigorating walk to it. The mental/emotional anticipation adds to the efficacy of this simple workout.
Step 2
Park at the far end of the supermarket carpark. If you are zimmerframe-ready, grab a shopping cart to help you make the trek to the entrance.
Step 3
Always stand up to get dressed or undressed. Falling over is just part of the workout here. Try taking your underpants/knickers off over your head. Does wonders for the cardiovascular system. Whatever that is.
Step 4
When picking something up off the floor, stay bent over and consider what else you could usefully do while you are down there. The exercise here is based on the principle of dynamic tension. Whatever that is.
Step 5
When lying in bed last thing at night, or waking first thing in the morning, alternately stiffen and relax your whole body. I have no idea why this is good, but it sure feels good. Not every time, of course....
Step 6
Avoid all forms of mechanical/electrical grinders and mixers. Do it all with fork and spoon. Get stirring, and don't worry if your arse wobbles uncontrollably: it's preferable to having it just hang there sagging.
Step 7
Food: keep cakes, biscuits, chocolates and other sweets (candies) on the highest shelf in your kitchen. This way you have to stretch to reach them, giving a healthful torsion to your shoulder muscles.
Step 8
Food again: always keep the crackers in a separate room from the cheese, thereby requiring you to walk a bit before you tuck in.
Step 9
Television: I know it's tempting to slouch on the couch and rely on the remote, but really you ought to get into the habit of getting up and going to the set every time you want to change channels. On second thoughts, bollocks to that.
Step 10
Sex. A delicate subject, I know, but it is another occasion to get those muscles moving, those lungs gasping for air and that little pulse throbbing violently in the temple. Whether you have someone with you at the time is a matter of personal choice. And opportunity of course, which, as we all know, is a fine thing.

Well, it's either my ten-point regime or yoga. Personally, I don't trust anything with live bacteria in it.

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