Stop that, Onan!

And the Lord saideth:
"It's amazing, the minute the Divine Back is turned, they're up to all kinds of naughty. It's time I put out a few rules and regulations."
And they saideth:
"Oh yes, we knew it would be too good to last. So what has the Divine Being got in mind for us this time? No more bingo? Lay off the egg and chips? Leave the car at home and take the bus? What?"
And the Lord girdedeth He up His Loins and spaketh He as follows:
"First off, no spilling of your seed upon the ground. That bugger Onan is a disgrace."
And they saideth:
"No spilling of seed? How the trumpeting shofah are we supposed to grow crops then?"
And the Lord rebukedeth He them saying:
"Ye knoweth perfectly well what I am referring to. No more of the old knuckle shuffle, ok?"
And they sighed and saideth:
"It's just a way of passing the time. So, what else?"
"No more lying with your mother."
And they waxedeth indignant and spaketh as follows:
"You can't tell the old bat the truth all the time. She will freaketh out."
And the Divine Presence sucked in His Divine Breath and thought "I will give it one more go", and saideth:
"No pig meat, no cloven hoof meat, no flat fish, no...." (well, the list went on), and they really waxed unbelieving at this point.
"It's going to put a real drag on Tesco's," they opinedeth.
It was at this point that the Creator of All Things thought about having a word with Noah......