Dear Terry Wogan, she writes, I had no idea you were interested in birds, you being so busy with the Eurovision Soup Contest and all. I too love our little feathered friends and I do my best to attract them into my garden, mostly because I know how much the cat loves to have birds around. You might be able to help me with a little problem, though. I recently became a committed vegetarian, and it pains me to see Blackbirds pulling huge worms out of the lawn and thrusting them down the throats of their innocent babies. It is no example to set to children, is it?
Do you know of a suitable vegetarian substitute that I could put out for them? I have tried macaroni, but the birds ignore it unless I pour a bolognese sauce over it, which really defeats the object. And the clever little devils know when I use TSP instead of mincemeat.
Mr Trellis, my late husband, had a proverb which you might like to work into one of your TV shows during the boring bits: "It's the early worm that gets eaten first." No need to acknowledge the source, as Mr Trellis, being dead, is in no position to object.
Yours etc
Blodwen Trellis, Mrs, Widow, Retired
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