Genesis revisited

And God looked at Adam and saw that he was, well, not bad for a first cockshy, and He pondered as follows:
"What he needs is a helpmeet, someone to keep him company, comfort him when he is low and be a solace in his old age."
And God thought about it a bit more and created a dog, a big friendly fluffy jump-up-and-lick-you dog.
And Adam waxed exceeding unimpressed and spake as follows:
"What's this then? Do I look like I need an animated rug in my life?"
And God was momentarily discombobulated. And then he rallied, as an inspiration entered the Divine Whatsit. And God took a spare rib off the barbecue and breathed He life into it, and created He woman, and her name was called Eve, because it was gone teatime.
And Adam looked at Eve and thought as follows:
"I wonder if this one jumps up and licks you?"
And God sighed again and spake as follows:
"Take my word for it, son, you are on to a good thing there. Play your cards right and you can have nooky from a..... to breakfast."
And Adam scratched his a..... and pondered, wondering if nooky was something good to eat, at which point, his stomach rumbled, and Eve spake for the first time, saying as follows:
"Poor dear, you must be hungry. You need roughage."
And, being a veggie, she ignored the rabbits and the hen's eggs. Instead, Eve picked she an apple from the Tree of Knowledge and gave it to Adam and he spake as follows:
"Thanks, girl. After this, maybe we can get to the jumping up and licking thing."
And Eve giggled, and spake as follows:
"Sorry, hun, I am a lesbian."
And Adam chomped on his apple, and the Lord sighed again, and spake as follows:
"I don't know why I bother, I really don't."