Mrs Trellis goes straight for the groin.
Dear Matthew Paris, she writes, I found your homeopathic insinuendos very distasteful, not that I begrudge you your moments of rectile happiness.
I am very bored-minded, but I don't think anyone of us want to read about your grapplings with the male member.
My late husband, Mr Trellis, god bless him, used to say: "If God had meant us to smoke, he would have put chimneys in our heads." I have no idea what he meant, but I hope that his wise words will give you some comfort in your penile struggle.
On the other hand, I do admire your furtive mind, turmoiled as it is, so if you are ever in North Wales. do look in. There is a very muscular man three doors from me I am sure will be happy to fit you in.