Ladies reading this, I have little knowledge of your gyne problems as you get older: cervical erosion, mild incontinence, suspicious lumps, IBS, prolapsis, well, that's more than enough.
So, you can leave now, because I an going to talk about the problems that afflict males as they get older.
When I was fifty, I stood next to a Chinese man in a urinal, and admired the force of his act of micturition, compared to which mine was a dribble. So I visited my doctor, who with a practised finger in my rectum announced that I had an enlarged prostate gland which was constricting the neck of my bladder.
Hold on, this is nothing morbid. Stay with me, guys.
So, Mr Bullock, a gentle man, cored my prostate and solved my problem. After that I could pee like a Chinee.
"Will it recur?" I ask.
"Probably, but at least twenty years from now, so don't worry, "says the gentle Bullock.
Twenty-two years on, and in the context of the recent Olympic Games, I think I am once again in serious competition with the Chinese.
Ah yes, I hear you ask (including the ladies who did not have the good sense to stop reading), but what does the prostate gland actually DO? And what have you been doing to enlarge it again?
I think it is a great shame that the British do not have a written constitution, because, if we did, I would at this moment take the Fifth...