Dear Michael Parkinson, she writes, have you taken leave of your senses? I have always admired the way you can mumble, bumble and stumble your way through interviews with the rich and famous, but your latest postings are unworthy of a man of your calibration.
I don't deny that you get those frissons in your you-know-where, after all you are a man, and therefore unable to control your baser nature, but I do think, as a public figure, you ought to curb these "urgencies". I am talking about Sarah Palin, Margaret Lockwood (whoever she may be, not a relative, I hope), Sandra Bollocks, and now four adolescent virgins - what ARE you thinking of?!
I do understand your weakness, believe me, I had the same struggle with the late Mr Trellis, God rest his soul, the bastard. He had an obsessive passion for Shirley Bassett, a nice enough Welsh girl, and used to eat KILOS of Liquorice Allsorts in her honour, poor man.
But, while, as you will appreciate, I don't give a shepherd's crook for your obsession, I do think that, as a public figure, you ought to set a good example, ie, act your age, stop lusting after young girls, and maybe settle for an elderly excommnicated nun. Just be careful, though, that you don't catch anything, like catholicism or other communicable diseases.