I know what you're thinking.
You are thinking: why is the Old Scrote wearing a yarmulka?
It's mostly because of Stephen Fry and Nigella Lawson. They are two people who intrigue me: Stephen Fry, because the bastard knows EVERYTHING, and Nigella Lawson, because I cannot believe how she gets poured into her dresses.
They were both on a programme recently called "Who do you think you are?" in which they traced their family histories, and in both cases they came upon the fate of their Jewish ancestors in the Holocaust. It was a mind-altering moment for them. And for me.
So, thinking that Jesus, being Jewish, wouldn't mind if I skipped the Bethlehem Manger Thing this year, I decided to celebrate Chanuka instead. This has not been easy for me, because celebrating the victory of the Jewish Maccabees over their Syrian despots (167 BC), seminal as it was, as recorded in the Apocrypha, did not exactly cause the lead to throb in my pencil.
Never mind, I thought, a serving of filafel and a yarmulka on me Prince Charles spot, is at least a gesture. And the sight of Nigella Lawson leaning buxomly over a bain marie (BBC2, most evenings this week) has definitely done the trick, bleistiftsweise.