Sunday, December 30, 2007

Abbandonate ogni speranza....

Today I have been working on my Obituary. This is not as morbid as it sounds, given that the alternative was to scrub the kitchen floor, do the laundry and bring the guest room back from chaos. Also, it being Christmas, I have been ruminating on the past. I haven't got far with the obit, just a few well-turned strophes here and there which will slot in nicely when the rest gets sorted.

"...during the North African Campaign, he made a substantial contribution to the victory at El Alamein by thumping a lad called Lehmann who lived down Leegomery and was clearly a Nazi agent with a name like that."

"....Mountbatten acknowledged his contribution to the orderly handover of power from the British Crown to India in 1947, especially his willingness to give up pappadums."

"....Anthony Eden valued his moral support during the Suez Crisis in 56, deriving great comfort from his telegram: "Listen, Tone baby, it's only a fucking canal!"

"...he is credited with inspiring Gorbachev to embrace Perestroika and Glasnost', believing them to be two racehorses, racing certainties to win the Cesarewich and the Eurovision Song Contest respectively."

",,,in 1988, was elected a Companion of the Institute of Chemical Engineers in recognition of his services to oenology, etc."

A real laugh, that last one, and, amazingly, true. Well, there's more, but as it is merely a draft, I won't bother you with it right now, although I think it will fit nice and kentucky with my last will and testament in due corpse. Damned if I can think of a pithy epitaph for my headstone, though, Spike Milligan having stolen the best one ever.

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