You didn't you get my card? Weird.

It's impossible to write a satirical, or even a sardonic, piece about the custom of sending Christmas cards. It is beyond satire. I have tried everything. Sending to everybody I know, however slightly; sending no Christmas cards at all; sending cards only to those who send cards to me.
It's useless. You never get it right, no matter how hard you try. The only person who, in my opinion, got it nearly right, was my late and lovely friend, Chic Goode, who sent out one single card with a list of names and addresses and a request to forward it. And we all DID forward it! The last recipient used to get his Christmas greetings around Easter time. But that takes cojones.
All the above, because I have just finished doing my Christmas cards. No, hell, of course I haven't finished. There'll be some more dropping through the letterbox from people that I didn't send a card to, and there'll still be time to get one in the post....
Anyway, if you didn't get a card from me, it means it got lost in the post. Honest. Merry Bleedin' Christmas.