Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Grumpy Old Man 33

Believe me, you don't want to hear this. It's just my way of seeking an alternative to bloodshed.

Buying online
Some sites are easy-peasy. You place your order, you give payment details, they say ok, and a coupla days later, Postie is delivering the goods. But there are others........ WHY do they want so much personal information? For godssake, if i am ordering a replacement set of vacuum cleaner bags, what does it matter if I am male or female, married or single, straight or gay, Welsh or normal?

Phoning an 0800 number
OK, I can accept that "all our operators are busy" but "please hold, because your call is important to us", but why do they have to play such lousy musak while I am waiting? What did I do to them to make them treat me this way?
Oh, wait, it's ok, I have an operator! At last! Only forty minutes of light opera! And then it starts to go downhill again.
"Hello, my name is Gupta. Hwo gan I hglep you ojnwer?"
"I am hpoweroeiwjr to seroiuve you otjiw jetle it is part of owiuere polcicy gtot otekeetp our wjuawopdoiuj tcutomres happy."
Forget it.
And to think they "record these calls for staff training purposes"!
God, it's so simple. Employ people who speak a neutral form of English.

Well, it doesn't matter if you don't know this BBC series about the work of our secret service, MI5. What matters is, if you watch the videos. you first of all have to wade through the naffest intro ever created. Then you have to have the episode ruined by a series of flash-forwards, ensuring that you have no surprises. And then you have to endure the agony of actors who are so inarticulate that you cannot be sure if they are even speaking English. And no subtitles. So it's a great way to ruin an evening's entertainment. Let's hear it for the BBC!

EON, suppliers of Electricity to the masses
They send me a bill which requires me to mortgage the house in order to pay it. That's ok, times are hard. Then they tell me that if I pay by Direct Debit, they will give me a discount of 8%. So I sign up. And I noticed just as I pressed the OK button that it was 3%. Bastards. But it was too late. Does anyone know how to nuke a power station?

Last night I attended a committee meeting, not as a full time member, but as someone co-opted to deal with a particular conservation project. I will not complain, but I tell you, my darlings, that I was not designed by the Almighty to be a committee person. Issues that could be resolved into an action point in about two minutes ramble on for half and hour. It's this democratic crap about everyone having the right to express their opinion. Well, bollocks to that. Every right to express an opinion carries a corresponding obligation to ensure that that opinion is supported by good reasoning and good evidence - and, if we are lucky, is expressed succintly. Rambling is something that should be confined to the Derbyshire Dales and the Brecon Beacons.
When I was an independent consultant, I would frequently spend a day in my client's office, and, upon leaving, I would say to myself "Thank God I don't work for this outfit." Know what I mean?

Pink Undies
And just in case you think I can find nothing positive to say about the 21st Century, I want to tell you that "Vanish" really works. I soaked my three Sunspel sleeveless cellular vests (undershirts) and my fetching white(ish) briefs, and after four hours they lost their coral pink lustre (luster?). A quick wash in regular Daz detergent and they came out looking pristine. So, I can relax. No more risk that I will be misunderstood for wearing pink undies. Thanks. Vanish.

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