Brief encounter

When it comes to gumboots (wellingtons), I prefer Hunter Royals, the sort that gentlemen farmers wear. They are expensive, but they have a studded leather sole and heel, which gives great support to my slim ankles. And they are the regulation shade of green.

When it comes to relaxing indoor wear, I prefer a djellabiyah. The first one I ever had was a gift from a Libyan student. It was a mid-blue in very slinky material with an embroidered pocket that must have been copied from a mural in the Alhambra Palace. It would have looked good on Joanna Lumley.

As to my hat, I have already described the posh fisherman’s titfer that my colleague gave me one drunken evening just before we entered Longi’s, the one that would look good on a scarecrow.

Now, imagine all three of these items on me together: sturdy gentlemen farmer’s Hunter Royals, a Joanna Lumley sky-blue djellabiyah and a rough tweed hat.

Now, imagine an infestation of rodents.

I had called in the city ratcatcher, who duly arrived and took two steps backwards when I opened the door dressed as described above. To give him his due, he recovered his aplomb, or whatever a ratcatcher needs to catch rats, and went upstairs to do the business, leaving me free to return to the garden to finish filling the bird feeders (hence the Hunter Royals and the tweed hat added to my usual djellabiyah).

Later he came into the kitchen so that I could sign off his invoice. He stood well away from me, apprehensive at being in the presence of a bearded oaf in a frock, and then said in that delicious Dorset twang that makes you want to love them all: “You don’t mind my asking, but what do you do?”

At that time I was on a fulltime writing contract, so I said a little self-consciously: “I am a writer.” He frowned, then, as he backed away, he said: "You don't get many of them round here", and went out of my life forever.