The Ballad of the Four Bastards

(Respectfully adapted from Ogden Nash’s original) As I first heard it – recited from atop a grand piano by a fellow undergraduate called Turnbull – four men sitting on a train get into conversation about the reasons for their success in life - or lack of it.

1
I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic days
A dandy demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the baker make the most delicious breads
And the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds,
My position in the structure of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
Now, my father was a gentleman, and musical, to boot;
He used to play piano in a house of ill repute.
My mother was the madam, and a credit to her cult
She liked my daddy's playing, and I was the result.
So my mommy and my daddy are the ones I've got to thank,
I'm the chairman of the board of the National City Bank.

2
In a cosy little cottage, in a cosy little dell
A dear old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell.
She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild
And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child.
The year her hospitality attained a record high
She found herself the mother of an infant, which was I.
And whenever she was gloomy I could always make her grin
By childishly inquiring who my daddy might have been.
Now the hired man was favored by the gals of mommy's set
And the traveling man from Scranton was an even-money bet,
So I took my mammy's morals and I took my daddy's crust
And I grew to be the founder of a big investment trust.

3
On a dusty southern chain-gang, on a dusty southern road
My late-lamented father had his permanent abode,
Now while some was there for stealing, my father's only fault
Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault.
Daddy's total list of victims was embarrassingly rich
And though one of them was mommy, still he could not tell me which.
Well I never went to college, but I got me a degree,
I guess I am the model of a perfect SOB,
I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad,
The most expensive senator this country ever had.

4
I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states,
A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the cops possess the flattest kind of feet
And the daughter of the floozie has a wiggle to her seat,
My position in the basement of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
Now, my father was a married man, and what is even more
He was married to my mother, a fact that I deplore
I was born in holy wedlock, consequently bye and bye
I got rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye.
I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall
Did I ever get a penny saved, you bastards took it all.
Well, at last I've learned my lesson, and I'm on the proper track
I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm gonna get it back.