Dear Viscount Montgomery
I was so pleased to read that you are still active despite being over a hundred years old. Given your strategic genius in driving the Carthaginians out of Egypt - or was it Mesopotamia? - I wonder if I could impose on you to advise me about a particular problem I have with my neighbour, Mrs Myfanwy Pritchard. She has taken to playing the bassoon at all hours of the day and night. In her nightie too, the hussy. It is terrible, it is worse than having Rommel and his Panders leaping up and down the street singing the Horse Vessel Lied.
I am at my wits' end how to deal with this awful woman. I know that she is afraid of rodents, so I was wondering if you could see your way clear to lending me a few of your Desert Rats that I could slip under her back door? That ought to stop her bassooning. I will, of course, pay postage and packaging.
Blodwyn Trellis (Mrs, retired)