I have written to my Bank, my Building Society, the Inland Revenue, East Cambs District Council, the Department of Health and Social Security, and to all the Utility Companies I deal with (water, electricity, etc), to inform them of my newly-installed automated telephone system. If you think I have missed anything, please let me know.
Hello and welcome to the Old Scrote's automated telephone response system. Please note: calls may be recorded for training purposes, hah. Please choose from the following options:
To know if I am still alive, press 1
Thank you for your query. I am in fact dead and will never get back to you as soon as possible. Please leave your name, number, and a short series of knocks after the beep.
To get money out of me, press 2
Thank you for calling. Please choose from one the following options:
Hit songs of the Sixties, press 1
Favourite operatic arias, press 2
Electronic music full of cacophonous twings and twangs, press 3
If you are not sure what to do, press # and ring off. No, not *, I said #.
For all other queries, press 3
Thank you for having other queries.
If you are incontinent, cross your legs and press 1
If you are a chronic masturbator, uncross your legs and press 2
If you have lost the will to live, press 3, and an operator will fail to be with you shortly.